mindwanderings

Empty nights like these give me time to reflect on what is going on in my life. I’ll be going home in 6 days and I’m more appreciative than anything. Home was once, at a time of my life, my inspiration. What am I exactly feeling right now…I’d like to know. I feel a little overwhelmed at all the work that needs to be done, I feel nostalgic of past times, but overall, I think I have a void in me that is yearning for something that will never be there.

It’s a bit difficult to type at the moment, as my fingers are frozen and numb, but all is well as I am typing away in this warm room, listening to the rain fall outside. I want to meet someone who understands me, and who can see the beauty that I do. I’d like to meet someone who can hear the music of the wind, who feels the zephyr passing through, who can watch people as they make their way in the streets, and be okay with it.

I wonder how life deals its cards, who gets lucky, and who doesn’t. I think right now I’m just waiting…waiting to get on with my life.

It’s hard to believe that the year (or at least, the semester) is coming to a draw. It’s seems not that time has passed by quickly (because it hasn’t – it has dragged at times), but that time is going at it’s own pace. I wouldn’t ever want to rush anything, for life is here and now. All I need to do is open my eyes and see the world around me.

Today I went to the Civic Center today to go to the SF Public library. I must tell you, it is one of the most extraordinary things that just amaze me. I have a fascination with books (and all things shiny) and walking into the library just blew my mind. Not only were shelves of books towering over me, but there was every kind of book imaginable. I know that this library can’t compare to say, the Library of Congress, but after having spent so much time in smaller branches, shuffling through databases in order to find a specific book (and having no luck), discovering this place was like finding heaven. Not only will I make an excuse just to go there now, but I’ll make sure I do often. It’s like shopping (ladies, you understand); I’m sure my level of “feel-good” hormones have increased. Shopping = endorphins.

While wandering around Civic Center, I questioned why I didn’t bring the Pentax to SF with me; there is so much life waiting to be snapped with a photograph. There are many moments happening, and all I could do today was mope and whimper – so many wonderful opportunities for a shot.

Things are good with the boyfriend. Guess who I’m seeing next week? You got it. Life is good, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The controversy on foreign aid reminds me of Oprah’s endeavors (and success!) in opening up an all girl’s private school in South Africa. An inquiry arose as to why she went abroad and not start a school in the U.S. She replied that she has, for so many years, tried to improve inner-cities schools but the outcome of success has failed each time. She has worked with the children of America and encourages them to see that education is the way to a better life. I get the impression that Oprah was discouraged by the lack of motivation and success in the states, that perhaps if she went abroad, the results would be different.

I think that one should look to home before fixing another problem. I believe how well a country takes care of its citizens reflect the moral and ethic values practiced. If one country forsakes or neglects its people, what gives others the idea that other countries in need will be aided?

What if other countries solely depend on us for foreign aid? How can they recognize their problems and find a way to fix it if we keep supplying the tools and means for their survival? What if the dependence were to be cut off? If worst comes to worse, people will do everything they can to survive. For example, if one area is not fit to grow produce, one should relocate elsewhere. Not everyone will have the means to transport themselves to a different location, but maybe that is where we can help. We can supply a transportation system for families in order for them to build a new life where the land is abundant and there is a good chance of farming. Organizations such as World Vision supplies families in third world countries food and clean water, but it is inevitable that it will eventually run out. If we can help third world countries to live independently and teach them new irrigation systems, for example, that helps them in the long term. There is a quote: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Regarding morality, it is said that it is a moral thing to help others if we are able to do so. I think that we should help others as best and as much as we can, and it doesn’t have to necessarily mean sacrificing too much.

Though this is the reason why Oprah took her efforts elsewhere, there is no excuse as to why citizens of this country aren’t taken care of.

Though the semester is wrapping up and it’s almost time to go back home, I feel a bit torn between two feelings. I am most definitely ecstatic to finally see home again, yet I feel that I am not wholly prepared to do so. I feel that I need to finish up some things here in SF. It feels like finishing up a great paper, yet going completely blank at your conclusion. Not only do I feel unfulfilled, but I’d like to finish that paper! (It’s symbolic for whatever I happen to feel that I am missing here). It’s pretty unfortunate that something is holding me back from completely embracing an otherwise sweet event.

Well, I won’t figure it out anytime soon; epiphanies don’t usually come often to me. I’ll just have to continue living, feeling this paradox feeling of happiness and dread. I think I better move on.

It could be that I’ve been stuck in a writing rut for about a year; nothing seems to be coming to me. Like one of my favorite authors, Raymond Carver, once said, “Emptiness is the beginning of all things.” Not only is it true, but in so many ways, that alone inspires me. I practically live by it. Perhaps this is why I look to solitude to find peace. The quietness and loneliness ironically fills me. I sigh. I am here, and breathing. Life is utterly amazing at 4:00 am.

Until I go home in a couple of weeks, I’ll be here, waiting. It seems my life is all about waiting; waiting for a traffic light, waiting for my love to call, just waiting. And maybe that’s what I need to do right now. Relax a little, breathe in and out, and wait things out.

Perhaps that emptiness within me is just nudging me to stop a moment and absorb life around me. I’ve been too focused on trivial matters for some time, and I’ve never took the time to notice all that flows beside me. Perhaps that emptiness needs to be replenished with life again. I think I need to pack my bags soon. I think I need to go home.

Do you expect me not to cry when my love leaves me to go back home? It’s always so hard holding the tears in, especially when I see his car drive away. I can’t even type this without feeling a sense of pain within me. Life seems empty and sad when he is not around. I feel a great loss, and it hurts. Whenever I have to say goodbye, it is like breaking up each time. My heart drops, and the tears fill my eyes. I don’t know what to tell you. I miss him so much.

I’ve always told myself that I am independent and I don’t want to let anyone get too close to me for fear that I would leave in the spur of the moment. I know that all of that is wrong; not only do I feel attached to him, but to me, he is my world and I can’t imagine life without him. I love him dearly and wish that I could always be with him.

To someone else reading this, it might all seem like a bunch of hooey, but it’s real to me and it hurts badly. This past week was one of the best weeks of my life and the only thing I would’ve done differently is kiss him more, tell him I love him more, and just wrap my arms tighter around him.

I have Christmas to look forward to when we will drive home together. This will be the longest wait for me, but all of it will be worth it once I see his smiling face again.

I have dreaded this day more than anything else. Tomorrow morning, my honey will have to leave me and go back home again. Today is the realization that my babe will not be there anymore after Sunday morning. We have spent this past week together, just the two of us and it was one of the best times of my life. It wasn’t so much about exploring the city, but it was about getting to know one another a little better. I’ve learned so many things about him that I wouldn’t have been able to know about had it not been us spending this time together. It’s the end of the week, and I am truly going to miss him.

I told him that once he gets up in the morning, he should just leave and not say goodbye to me. I want him to just go because it is going to be so difficult hugging him and knowing that I will not get to see him for the longest time again. A sad look overcame him, as he explained that it would be better to say goodbye because then you will know that you will see the other person again. He asked me if I would feel regret if he did actually left without a word of farewell. Of course, I said I definitely would. He does that a lot. He makes me think of my actions and the possible consequences. I am the realistic one, and he the rational.

It is already difficult for me tonight. I don’t want to close my eyes and then have him gone. I don’t know if I’ll be okay tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes.

It’s almost Thanksgiving and I’m still here in SF with my babe. As you know, I didn’t go home this holiday due to some explainable reasons but mostly on my part. So far, I’ve had an amazing time with my sweetheart. We basically spent many afternoons wandering and roaming the streets of downtown SF. I love being amidst the rush of the crowds and noise, and persistence of the city. It’s a wondrous feeling to be standing on a crowded street with the one you love, knowing that everything around you doesn’t matter as much as having your love in your arms.

Although I have a whole week with him, I am dreading the day that I will once again have to say goodbye to him. It always hurt each time. I would think having said goodbye a million times to him would make things easier, but really, it just gets harder. I never know what to do, I never know how to act, and I never know what to say.

I’m really and truly thankful, grateful, and ultimately lucky to have someone so special in my life. He is probably sleeping right now as I type this, and even as the day is coming to an end, I can’t help but think about him. He drove up 700 miles just to see me, to be with me, because he said he loves me. All that does is fill my eyes with tears, my life with joy, and my heart with love.

It is the Friday before Thanksgiving, and practically everyone in the dorms have cleared out. In a couple of days, everyone on my floor will have went home, and I will be alone. Except that I’m not.

My boyfriend is coming to spend the entire week with me and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I appreciate him and all his kind endeavors to make me feel at home. And the wonderful thing is, he is my home.

I get the sympathy look from people when I express that I won’t be traveling back home this holiday. I think everyone feels that this time of year is when families come together; it would be wrong to be alone.

Today I realized that without my wonderful honey, I would be extremely lonely. I tried to convince myself that I would occupy myself with things to do since I have all this free time, but I’d have that pang in my heart that I am away from everybody. I can already imagine the silence of the hallway ringing in my ears.

This Thanksgiving, I want to give all my appreciation to my wonderful babe. Not only is he the sweetest boyfriend in the world, but he always goes to great lengths to put a smile on my face. But at this moment, it is not only a smile, but tears in my eyes. I am so thankful to have someone so INCREDIBLE enough to give up everything in his life just to be with me. I’ve never been happier in my life.

I’m going to see him tomorrow and I can’t wait any longer. These past hours have been dragging; the only thing that would settle me is to see him. I have a good 12 hours more, but the smile that I will get when he walks through the door will definitely be worth the long and excruciating wait.

With everything said, I hope everybody is with people they love, because that’s the true reason to be thankful.

Today, I walked by the quad on the way to the Admin. Building and listened to the sound of drums beating and saw people dancing in the grass. It seemed like an African tribal dance and it awed me. I watched all the people passing me by on the walkway and thought of how everyone seemed to be going somewhere; always moving, always pushing forward. I remembered Lovefest and thought of how there is no other city that I know of that would be as open as this place. I wondered if I’ll miss this place if I whole heartedly decide to move away.

Although I did just move to SF from San Diego, I don’t think I’ll be staying here throughout my college years. I’m interested in moving to Oregon not only for the change in surrounding, but for school. My family has been thinking about moving there to settle on a lake, and I think it would be a great experience to see something different than what I have known all my life. Namely, it’s the city.

Maybe it’s because I’m not “open” enough to the world around me; I should embrace what comes to me at the moment. Although Lovefest was amazing as it was, I wasn’t completely surprised and shocked. I’m thinking it’s because I expected it to be crazy and wild, and so when that prophecy came true, that lessened my bewilderment.

The thought of sitting out on a lake with the sun setting behind me sounds wonderful. It’s definitely a change from the fast paced city life and the crowded streets. I am okay with either one, though sometimes I wish I could remove myself for a second to listen to the waters move in and out along the shoreline. I visited the countryside of Illinois when I was 15 and was completely awed by the openness of life there. I saw the sky extend to the sun and stars that glistened against the dark night. It was an eye opening experience for me because I have never realized that there was life outside of the city. Many times, I yearn to be back on Lake Vermillion in South Dakota, lying on the ground, staring at the shooting stars above.

It’s funny how I wanted to be in SF for the sole purpose of improving on my writing (and gain some skills) but I don’t seem to be working on that. I think my goals of why I am here is foggy, just like the air around the city sometimes. The thing is, one could be a great writer anywhere; it’s how one can open himself up and write, letting the reader see through his eyes.

Either way, I will be okay wherever I go. Whether it is Oregon, South Dakota, or California, I’m sure I can find my place and make it feel like home. I don’t know where I’ll end up in a couple of years, but all I want to focus on right now is opening myself up to new experiences. With new places to see all the time and people coming and going, it’s hard not to feel a sense of appreciation for the beauty of life, no matter where you are at.

I’m so excited for this coming week! Not only is it Thanksgiving break, but I get to see my lovely beau, who I miss so much. It’s hard being away from someone you love for so long; one could almost say that it is painful. Just to be in his arms again, is all that I ask for. Next Sunday is our 7th month together! He is just wonderful and sweet and lovely. I think the spirit of happiness is in the air. I can hear my hall mates yelling (but what’s new?) and laughing gleefully. I’m happy that everyone is happy. I must say though that I will not be going to see my family this Thanksgiving. I like the reaction on people’s faces when I say that. They are surprised, wondrous, and overall shocked that I will be here by myself. And I must say, even if I happen to be here by myself (versus getting to see my lovely), I think that I would manage just fine. I’ll simply occupy myself with activities such as reading, writing, painting, or playing the piano. I say that now, but I really don’t know how I would feel if I did have to be here in the dorms by myself. I would appreciate the solitude, though. I don’t seem to get that much around here, and perhaps that is the reason why I miss home. Yes, I look forward to being alone sometimes. The quietness and peacefulness moves and inspires me.

I’m thankful that my honey will be with me this coming week. I can’t be anymore grateful to have him in my life. Maybe he is the reason why I am okay being by myself sometimes; he makes me feel at home wherever I am.