mindwanderings

I have dreaded this day more than anything else. Tomorrow morning, my honey will have to leave me and go back home again. Today is the realization that my babe will not be there anymore after Sunday morning. We have spent this past week together, just the two of us and it was one of the best times of my life. It wasn’t so much about exploring the city, but it was about getting to know one another a little better. I’ve learned so many things about him that I wouldn’t have been able to know about had it not been us spending this time together. It’s the end of the week, and I am truly going to miss him.

I told him that once he gets up in the morning, he should just leave and not say goodbye to me. I want him to just go because it is going to be so difficult hugging him and knowing that I will not get to see him for the longest time again. A sad look overcame him, as he explained that it would be better to say goodbye because then you will know that you will see the other person again. He asked me if I would feel regret if he did actually left without a word of farewell. Of course, I said I definitely would. He does that a lot. He makes me think of my actions and the possible consequences. I am the realistic one, and he the rational.

It is already difficult for me tonight. I don’t want to close my eyes and then have him gone. I don’t know if I’ll be okay tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes.

It’s almost Thanksgiving and I’m still here in SF with my babe. As you know, I didn’t go home this holiday due to some explainable reasons but mostly on my part. So far, I’ve had an amazing time with my sweetheart. We basically spent many afternoons wandering and roaming the streets of downtown SF. I love being amidst the rush of the crowds and noise, and persistence of the city. It’s a wondrous feeling to be standing on a crowded street with the one you love, knowing that everything around you doesn’t matter as much as having your love in your arms.

Although I have a whole week with him, I am dreading the day that I will once again have to say goodbye to him. It always hurt each time. I would think having said goodbye a million times to him would make things easier, but really, it just gets harder. I never know what to do, I never know how to act, and I never know what to say.

I’m really and truly thankful, grateful, and ultimately lucky to have someone so special in my life. He is probably sleeping right now as I type this, and even as the day is coming to an end, I can’t help but think about him. He drove up 700 miles just to see me, to be with me, because he said he loves me. All that does is fill my eyes with tears, my life with joy, and my heart with love.

It is the Friday before Thanksgiving, and practically everyone in the dorms have cleared out. In a couple of days, everyone on my floor will have went home, and I will be alone. Except that I’m not.

My boyfriend is coming to spend the entire week with me and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I appreciate him and all his kind endeavors to make me feel at home. And the wonderful thing is, he is my home.

I get the sympathy look from people when I express that I won’t be traveling back home this holiday. I think everyone feels that this time of year is when families come together; it would be wrong to be alone.

Today I realized that without my wonderful honey, I would be extremely lonely. I tried to convince myself that I would occupy myself with things to do since I have all this free time, but I’d have that pang in my heart that I am away from everybody. I can already imagine the silence of the hallway ringing in my ears.

This Thanksgiving, I want to give all my appreciation to my wonderful babe. Not only is he the sweetest boyfriend in the world, but he always goes to great lengths to put a smile on my face. But at this moment, it is not only a smile, but tears in my eyes. I am so thankful to have someone so INCREDIBLE enough to give up everything in his life just to be with me. I’ve never been happier in my life.

I’m going to see him tomorrow and I can’t wait any longer. These past hours have been dragging; the only thing that would settle me is to see him. I have a good 12 hours more, but the smile that I will get when he walks through the door will definitely be worth the long and excruciating wait.

With everything said, I hope everybody is with people they love, because that’s the true reason to be thankful.

Today, I walked by the quad on the way to the Admin. Building and listened to the sound of drums beating and saw people dancing in the grass. It seemed like an African tribal dance and it awed me. I watched all the people passing me by on the walkway and thought of how everyone seemed to be going somewhere; always moving, always pushing forward. I remembered Lovefest and thought of how there is no other city that I know of that would be as open as this place. I wondered if I’ll miss this place if I whole heartedly decide to move away.

Although I did just move to SF from San Diego, I don’t think I’ll be staying here throughout my college years. I’m interested in moving to Oregon not only for the change in surrounding, but for school. My family has been thinking about moving there to settle on a lake, and I think it would be a great experience to see something different than what I have known all my life. Namely, it’s the city.

Maybe it’s because I’m not “open” enough to the world around me; I should embrace what comes to me at the moment. Although Lovefest was amazing as it was, I wasn’t completely surprised and shocked. I’m thinking it’s because I expected it to be crazy and wild, and so when that prophecy came true, that lessened my bewilderment.

The thought of sitting out on a lake with the sun setting behind me sounds wonderful. It’s definitely a change from the fast paced city life and the crowded streets. I am okay with either one, though sometimes I wish I could remove myself for a second to listen to the waters move in and out along the shoreline. I visited the countryside of Illinois when I was 15 and was completely awed by the openness of life there. I saw the sky extend to the sun and stars that glistened against the dark night. It was an eye opening experience for me because I have never realized that there was life outside of the city. Many times, I yearn to be back on Lake Vermillion in South Dakota, lying on the ground, staring at the shooting stars above.

It’s funny how I wanted to be in SF for the sole purpose of improving on my writing (and gain some skills) but I don’t seem to be working on that. I think my goals of why I am here is foggy, just like the air around the city sometimes. The thing is, one could be a great writer anywhere; it’s how one can open himself up and write, letting the reader see through his eyes.

Either way, I will be okay wherever I go. Whether it is Oregon, South Dakota, or California, I’m sure I can find my place and make it feel like home. I don’t know where I’ll end up in a couple of years, but all I want to focus on right now is opening myself up to new experiences. With new places to see all the time and people coming and going, it’s hard not to feel a sense of appreciation for the beauty of life, no matter where you are at.

I’m so excited for this coming week! Not only is it Thanksgiving break, but I get to see my lovely beau, who I miss so much. It’s hard being away from someone you love for so long; one could almost say that it is painful. Just to be in his arms again, is all that I ask for. Next Sunday is our 7th month together! He is just wonderful and sweet and lovely. I think the spirit of happiness is in the air. I can hear my hall mates yelling (but what’s new?) and laughing gleefully. I’m happy that everyone is happy. I must say though that I will not be going to see my family this Thanksgiving. I like the reaction on people’s faces when I say that. They are surprised, wondrous, and overall shocked that I will be here by myself. And I must say, even if I happen to be here by myself (versus getting to see my lovely), I think that I would manage just fine. I’ll simply occupy myself with activities such as reading, writing, painting, or playing the piano. I say that now, but I really don’t know how I would feel if I did have to be here in the dorms by myself. I would appreciate the solitude, though. I don’t seem to get that much around here, and perhaps that is the reason why I miss home. Yes, I look forward to being alone sometimes. The quietness and peacefulness moves and inspires me.

I’m thankful that my honey will be with me this coming week. I can’t be anymore grateful to have him in my life. Maybe he is the reason why I am okay being by myself sometimes; he makes me feel at home wherever I am.

As freshmen class entering college, we have a couple years ahead of us until we have to officially declare our majors, so it wouldn’t be a bad thing to look into what kinds of field of work you are interested in if you haven’t done so already. A part of college, to me, is about exploring about different types of education and discovering what you like. It’s about experimenting and veering off into all sorts of directions with different possible careers. A wise thing to do, I suggest, is to look at the jobs that are in demand, such as health care workers, or computer technicians, for example. Not only should one look at what jobs are in demand now, but growing fields that are “booming”. A job in the medical field is always in demand so it would be a good investment to go to medical school. A career of becoming, say, a hockey instructor, won’t be as high as demand, especially with our recession. While researching what type of jobs are highly needed in the future, one would have to look at the trend of the current market economy, stability of people’s income, the possible percent increase of salary of a particular job and how popular it will be in years to come, and among other factors. It is a fact that employers are willing to pay more to suffice for a lack of workers. Whatever job is in high demand and there is a need for workers, employers have to make up with income with the employees they lack. Say, for example, there is only one doctor in the three towns. The town who is willing to pay the doctor more for his skill would probably woo him over; he is high in demand and they are all competing for his specialized skill. In that respect, it would pay to do a little research beforehand.

I have declared my major as journalism because I think this will enable me to be more aware of my surroundings by learning about the world around me. I think being a journalist will give me access to resources by presenting me with a broad array of information. I think in order to be a journalist, one has to be a well rounded individual that has sufficient background knowledge in many areas. In addition to what I have just said, I would like to greatly improve my writing. I think because journalists do a great deal of writing, it would be hard not to learn anything along the way.

So I have declared my major already, but I know that it is still early enough to change if I want/need to. But looking at the future of the media, namely newspapers, I can see that the forecast is gray. I’m not sure what to expect for the survival of newspapers (or magazines) because they are fading away. Other media forms come into play, such as television and internet, that can reach millions of people faster. Do people even read newspapers/magazines anymore? There are subscriptions online, like the New York Times, but we are talking about the existence of these media forms.

Perhaps going into the newspaper field wouldn’t be as demanding, according to the trend, but online writing is growing considerably. In that respect, I wouldn’t have to totally change majors because I can branch off into a different department of journalism. And maybe that is where my research lies.

I sometimes watched television back in high school, but when I did, I must admit I enjoyed the programs that played such as Friends, the Simpsons, and a variety of other shows that I randomly watched from time to time. Since I moved to San Francisco though, I must also admit that I miss television. Yes, I could stream shows from the internet, but there’s something about having the set in front of you and the remote in hand that gives me power, the power to change the channel.

Although I don’t have a television in my dorm room, my lovely next door neighbors do. The thing is though, I don’t go there specifically for a show. I only watch television just to be in the company of friends; it’s more of a social interaction than following Desperate Housewives. I’m also glad I don’t have one. Although I would watch the news as usual, I wouldn’t be surprised if I fell into the traps of other mindless shows. Are they really mindless, though? I mean – don’t some shows make you think if Abby will go for Dave or for Max? She’s twisted in a love triangle. All in all, I am better without a talking box.

I always saw television as a mean to escape from reality for a moment. It made me forget about my long day and took me into the lives of the television stars. I’d turn to television when homework was too frustrating or tedious. Of course television isn’t real; it’s ironic that reality television is the phoniest thing I have ever seen. Now I don’t see it as an escape but more of something one turns to for entertainment.

I can’t say that television has any influence on me right now. I watch it just because it’s there. I am not easily influenced (or am I?) by the nature of the shows and don’t seem effected by its violence and whatnot. The only influence that it has ever done to me was make me a couch slug who was entranced by the shows. And damn those commercials; they make you want to know what will happen next but you’d have to wait minutes before the story continues. No, I am not an angry person because of television – it’s just those commercials stretch so long sometimes.

Although I do miss watching the tube and all the fun programs, I know that life is waiting for me outside. I realize that I have wasted a great deal of time spent in front of a blaring screen when I could’ve explored the world outside. It wasn’t hard to give it up because I wasn’t much of an addict to begin with; but it was something that was fun. However, I wouldn’t necessarily want to entirely give up television. I still like following stories and am restless when I can’t know what will happen next in the episode until next week. My idea is having a couple of hours a week (no more than 5) so you won’t be missing much and totally deprived.

In many ways, the way marketers vie for consumer’s attention is the same as how producers for television shows want to attract viewers. The way the TV narrator spells out the drama for the next episode is not only exaggerated, but it turns out not to be what he said in the first place. The little clips shown don’t tell the whole story. Advertisers try to entice consumers with many different psychological aspects in hopes of filling an unconscious void. They aren’t all that different; the more people interested, the higher the profit. Desperate Housewives must make a fortune.

I see Suri Cruise, offspring of Tom and Katie Cruise, in the media spotlight week after week. Whether it is her fashion for the week, or the event she’s attended with her parents, Suri is already exposed to the Hollywood industry. She has traveled to more places than many people do in their lifetime. Her life of travels and fashions is enough for anyone to be jealous of.

Panning the camera now is to Violet Affleck, daughter of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Although she is a part of Hollywood just as much as Suri because of her famous parents, Violet is raised in a much warmer atmosphere, playing with kids her age, going with her mom to the grocery store, and interacting with regular people. She is brought up in what one would call a typical childhood. Toys and friends and mommy and daddy – what more could a child want?

Although both children are in the spotlight, Violet is kept out of it and placed into a playground instead. Will she grow up to have moral values and appreciation for having been raised like a regular kid? Suri has everything and can have anything she wants. With the idea of having access to everything, I would think she will grow up to be a spoiled child who has no respect because the world is at her feet. She was fed with a silver spoon (and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was real silver!).

These are Hollywood’s children. They were born into the industry and if they decide to stay with it as they age, they will already be fortunate and take care of by connections. I often wonder how a child in so much attention so often will grow up to be when they are older. These children would not have to work as hard as someone else who didn’t have their parents already in the spotlight. Would they appreciate what they have later on? How can they? They have nothing to compare their lives to.

I think of Tori Spelling, daughter of late Aaron Spelling, TV. Mogul. The only reason why she was in the cast of the original cast of 90210 was because her father was the creator. There were many lashes at her because many felt she had no talent and basically just lucked out. I don’t have that much respect for these offspring as I would to someone who had to work their way up to stardom, such as JoJo, the singer whose parents were drug addicts living on welfare and food stamps. She was nationally recognized in the television show, Kids Say the Darndest Things. She went on to Oprah, and America’s Most Talented Kids. The way she got her talent was by singing everyday with her mother while they worked in the house, no lessons or anything.

A case of a child star is Lindsay Lohan who first got started in The Parent Trap. For some time, she was rehabilitated for her drug use and spiraling out of control behavior due to excessive drinking. Should kids be exposed to such a (now vulgar) place like Hollywood? Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have grown up in front of the camera. Mary-Kate was treated for her anorexia a few years back, and they are sometimes the talk of the town in regards to their partying ways and drinking, smoking, and unhealthy lifestyle.

I now think of my humble background. I never had anything I wanted, and it was those rare occasions like, Christmas or my birthday, that I would receive a gift, like a doll. My mother taught me the value of a dollar and I thank her for making me appreciate my job and hard earned money. She also instilled in me the value of education and how that is the ticket to a better life. Although the children of Hollywood are very fortunate and comfortable, I appreciate and feel humbled by my upbringing so when I go off and make a down payment on my house one day, I’ll understand the value of something earned.

It’s been raining this whole weekend, and I can’t imagine anything more beautiful. The sound of the rain was soothing and although it was raining hard, everything was calm and peaceful. I realized, this is the reason why I am here…to see change. The ground was covered and I was soaked as I went outside for a couple of minutes. I couldn’t be more appreciative. I’m thankful for the rain.

It must be autumn because I can feel that soft mood and hovers in the air when the season comes around. So melancholic, so sweet, so lovely. I’m finally at home. As I look through the window at the pelting rain, I can’t imagine anything more pleasant than being in my cozy room, bundled up with a book or a journal. Off I go now, wandering through my thoughts, sifting, sorting, exploring.

As I layed in bed, I could only hear the rain hitting the ground. The pattering of the rain puts me at ease; 700 miles away from home and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t go back home anymore. I’ve realized that this is what I have been missing… I’ve been missing life.

I’m sitting here listening to George Winston and Sarah McLachlan and I think of how some things in life could be so beautiful. Life is so beautiful, while I, my humble self, don’t deserve to see or hear something so lovely. I’m such in awe how much life amazes me, bestowing its natural gifts. How can I ask for more? I can’t ask for more.

4:00 am, I am up reading. There’s this feeling of solitude being alone at that time of morning, something that I can’t have any other time. There’s this sense of peace that brings me joy and love, ultimately filling me with life. Here is when I reflect and wonder, here is when I let life’s trouble escape, here is when I the quietness fill me up. I don’t ask for much, and I don’t need much. I am a simple woman.

I am in peace, and I am filled with love which surrounds me. I am home.