mindwanderings

Empty nights like these give me time to reflect on what is going on in my life. I’ll be going home in 6 days and I’m more appreciative than anything. Home was once, at a time of my life, my inspiration. What am I exactly feeling right now…I’d like to know. I feel a little overwhelmed at all the work that needs to be done, I feel nostalgic of past times, but overall, I think I have a void in me that is yearning for something that will never be there.

It’s a bit difficult to type at the moment, as my fingers are frozen and numb, but all is well as I am typing away in this warm room, listening to the rain fall outside. I want to meet someone who understands me, and who can see the beauty that I do. I’d like to meet someone who can hear the music of the wind, who feels the zephyr passing through, who can watch people as they make their way in the streets, and be okay with it.

I wonder how life deals its cards, who gets lucky, and who doesn’t. I think right now I’m just waiting…waiting to get on with my life.

It’s hard to believe that the year (or at least, the semester) is coming to a draw. It’s seems not that time has passed by quickly (because it hasn’t – it has dragged at times), but that time is going at it’s own pace. I wouldn’t ever want to rush anything, for life is here and now. All I need to do is open my eyes and see the world around me.

Today I went to the Civic Center today to go to the SF Public library. I must tell you, it is one of the most extraordinary things that just amaze me. I have a fascination with books (and all things shiny) and walking into the library just blew my mind. Not only were shelves of books towering over me, but there was every kind of book imaginable. I know that this library can’t compare to say, the Library of Congress, but after having spent so much time in smaller branches, shuffling through databases in order to find a specific book (and having no luck), discovering this place was like finding heaven. Not only will I make an excuse just to go there now, but I’ll make sure I do often. It’s like shopping (ladies, you understand); I’m sure my level of “feel-good” hormones have increased. Shopping = endorphins.

While wandering around Civic Center, I questioned why I didn’t bring the Pentax to SF with me; there is so much life waiting to be snapped with a photograph. There are many moments happening, and all I could do today was mope and whimper – so many wonderful opportunities for a shot.

Things are good with the boyfriend. Guess who I’m seeing next week? You got it. Life is good, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The controversy on foreign aid reminds me of Oprah’s endeavors (and success!) in opening up an all girl’s private school in South Africa. An inquiry arose as to why she went abroad and not start a school in the U.S. She replied that she has, for so many years, tried to improve inner-cities schools but the outcome of success has failed each time. She has worked with the children of America and encourages them to see that education is the way to a better life. I get the impression that Oprah was discouraged by the lack of motivation and success in the states, that perhaps if she went abroad, the results would be different.

I think that one should look to home before fixing another problem. I believe how well a country takes care of its citizens reflect the moral and ethic values practiced. If one country forsakes or neglects its people, what gives others the idea that other countries in need will be aided?

What if other countries solely depend on us for foreign aid? How can they recognize their problems and find a way to fix it if we keep supplying the tools and means for their survival? What if the dependence were to be cut off? If worst comes to worse, people will do everything they can to survive. For example, if one area is not fit to grow produce, one should relocate elsewhere. Not everyone will have the means to transport themselves to a different location, but maybe that is where we can help. We can supply a transportation system for families in order for them to build a new life where the land is abundant and there is a good chance of farming. Organizations such as World Vision supplies families in third world countries food and clean water, but it is inevitable that it will eventually run out. If we can help third world countries to live independently and teach them new irrigation systems, for example, that helps them in the long term. There is a quote: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Regarding morality, it is said that it is a moral thing to help others if we are able to do so. I think that we should help others as best and as much as we can, and it doesn’t have to necessarily mean sacrificing too much.

Though this is the reason why Oprah took her efforts elsewhere, there is no excuse as to why citizens of this country aren’t taken care of.

Though the semester is wrapping up and it’s almost time to go back home, I feel a bit torn between two feelings. I am most definitely ecstatic to finally see home again, yet I feel that I am not wholly prepared to do so. I feel that I need to finish up some things here in SF. It feels like finishing up a great paper, yet going completely blank at your conclusion. Not only do I feel unfulfilled, but I’d like to finish that paper! (It’s symbolic for whatever I happen to feel that I am missing here). It’s pretty unfortunate that something is holding me back from completely embracing an otherwise sweet event.

Well, I won’t figure it out anytime soon; epiphanies don’t usually come often to me. I’ll just have to continue living, feeling this paradox feeling of happiness and dread. I think I better move on.

It could be that I’ve been stuck in a writing rut for about a year; nothing seems to be coming to me. Like one of my favorite authors, Raymond Carver, once said, “Emptiness is the beginning of all things.” Not only is it true, but in so many ways, that alone inspires me. I practically live by it. Perhaps this is why I look to solitude to find peace. The quietness and loneliness ironically fills me. I sigh. I am here, and breathing. Life is utterly amazing at 4:00 am.

Until I go home in a couple of weeks, I’ll be here, waiting. It seems my life is all about waiting; waiting for a traffic light, waiting for my love to call, just waiting. And maybe that’s what I need to do right now. Relax a little, breathe in and out, and wait things out.

Perhaps that emptiness within me is just nudging me to stop a moment and absorb life around me. I’ve been too focused on trivial matters for some time, and I’ve never took the time to notice all that flows beside me. Perhaps that emptiness needs to be replenished with life again. I think I need to pack my bags soon. I think I need to go home.

Do you expect me not to cry when my love leaves me to go back home? It’s always so hard holding the tears in, especially when I see his car drive away. I can’t even type this without feeling a sense of pain within me. Life seems empty and sad when he is not around. I feel a great loss, and it hurts. Whenever I have to say goodbye, it is like breaking up each time. My heart drops, and the tears fill my eyes. I don’t know what to tell you. I miss him so much.

I’ve always told myself that I am independent and I don’t want to let anyone get too close to me for fear that I would leave in the spur of the moment. I know that all of that is wrong; not only do I feel attached to him, but to me, he is my world and I can’t imagine life without him. I love him dearly and wish that I could always be with him.

To someone else reading this, it might all seem like a bunch of hooey, but it’s real to me and it hurts badly. This past week was one of the best weeks of my life and the only thing I would’ve done differently is kiss him more, tell him I love him more, and just wrap my arms tighter around him.

I have Christmas to look forward to when we will drive home together. This will be the longest wait for me, but all of it will be worth it once I see his smiling face again.