mindwanderings

Though the semester is wrapping up and it’s almost time to go back home, I feel a bit torn between two feelings. I am most definitely ecstatic to finally see home again, yet I feel that I am not wholly prepared to do so. I feel that I need to finish up some things here in SF. It feels like finishing up a great paper, yet going completely blank at your conclusion. Not only do I feel unfulfilled, but I’d like to finish that paper! (It’s symbolic for whatever I happen to feel that I am missing here). It’s pretty unfortunate that something is holding me back from completely embracing an otherwise sweet event.

Well, I won’t figure it out anytime soon; epiphanies don’t usually come often to me. I’ll just have to continue living, feeling this paradox feeling of happiness and dread. I think I better move on.

It could be that I’ve been stuck in a writing rut for about a year; nothing seems to be coming to me. Like one of my favorite authors, Raymond Carver, once said, “Emptiness is the beginning of all things.” Not only is it true, but in so many ways, that alone inspires me. I practically live by it. Perhaps this is why I look to solitude to find peace. The quietness and loneliness ironically fills me. I sigh. I am here, and breathing. Life is utterly amazing at 4:00 am.

Until I go home in a couple of weeks, I’ll be here, waiting. It seems my life is all about waiting; waiting for a traffic light, waiting for my love to call, just waiting. And maybe that’s what I need to do right now. Relax a little, breathe in and out, and wait things out.

Perhaps that emptiness within me is just nudging me to stop a moment and absorb life around me. I’ve been too focused on trivial matters for some time, and I’ve never took the time to notice all that flows beside me. Perhaps that emptiness needs to be replenished with life again. I think I need to pack my bags soon. I think I need to go home.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS