mindwanderings

Do you expect me not to cry when my love leaves me to go back home? It’s always so hard holding the tears in, especially when I see his car drive away. I can’t even type this without feeling a sense of pain within me. Life seems empty and sad when he is not around. I feel a great loss, and it hurts. Whenever I have to say goodbye, it is like breaking up each time. My heart drops, and the tears fill my eyes. I don’t know what to tell you. I miss him so much.

I’ve always told myself that I am independent and I don’t want to let anyone get too close to me for fear that I would leave in the spur of the moment. I know that all of that is wrong; not only do I feel attached to him, but to me, he is my world and I can’t imagine life without him. I love him dearly and wish that I could always be with him.

To someone else reading this, it might all seem like a bunch of hooey, but it’s real to me and it hurts badly. This past week was one of the best weeks of my life and the only thing I would’ve done differently is kiss him more, tell him I love him more, and just wrap my arms tighter around him.

I have Christmas to look forward to when we will drive home together. This will be the longest wait for me, but all of it will be worth it once I see his smiling face again.

I have dreaded this day more than anything else. Tomorrow morning, my honey will have to leave me and go back home again. Today is the realization that my babe will not be there anymore after Sunday morning. We have spent this past week together, just the two of us and it was one of the best times of my life. It wasn’t so much about exploring the city, but it was about getting to know one another a little better. I’ve learned so many things about him that I wouldn’t have been able to know about had it not been us spending this time together. It’s the end of the week, and I am truly going to miss him.

I told him that once he gets up in the morning, he should just leave and not say goodbye to me. I want him to just go because it is going to be so difficult hugging him and knowing that I will not get to see him for the longest time again. A sad look overcame him, as he explained that it would be better to say goodbye because then you will know that you will see the other person again. He asked me if I would feel regret if he did actually left without a word of farewell. Of course, I said I definitely would. He does that a lot. He makes me think of my actions and the possible consequences. I am the realistic one, and he the rational.

It is already difficult for me tonight. I don’t want to close my eyes and then have him gone. I don’t know if I’ll be okay tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes.

It’s almost Thanksgiving and I’m still here in SF with my babe. As you know, I didn’t go home this holiday due to some explainable reasons but mostly on my part. So far, I’ve had an amazing time with my sweetheart. We basically spent many afternoons wandering and roaming the streets of downtown SF. I love being amidst the rush of the crowds and noise, and persistence of the city. It’s a wondrous feeling to be standing on a crowded street with the one you love, knowing that everything around you doesn’t matter as much as having your love in your arms.

Although I have a whole week with him, I am dreading the day that I will once again have to say goodbye to him. It always hurt each time. I would think having said goodbye a million times to him would make things easier, but really, it just gets harder. I never know what to do, I never know how to act, and I never know what to say.

I’m really and truly thankful, grateful, and ultimately lucky to have someone so special in my life. He is probably sleeping right now as I type this, and even as the day is coming to an end, I can’t help but think about him. He drove up 700 miles just to see me, to be with me, because he said he loves me. All that does is fill my eyes with tears, my life with joy, and my heart with love.